Hey everyone. I finally decided to make my own blog. I don't know who can see this and I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be getting many visitors, but I want to keep a journal somewhere. Why not the internet, I thought. Even if something happens to my computer, I can still retrace what I wrote.
I'm writing this blog because I think I'm having some kind of an anxiety problem. I don't know if it is GDA or phobias but I'm constantly anxious for no apperant reason. I've had a lot of downs in my life and I'm currently one of the ''downs''. My social life is great, I have a lot of friends and a lovely girlfriend with whom I've never been happier.
There's something wrong with me and I don't know why. You see, my financial position doesn't really let me go to a psychologist so I can get treatment. I don't want to go on pills because I don't want to be addicted. So far I'm keeping the fight, but every day the fear of "something" gets stronger and stronger and is slowly consuming me. I can no longer stay home alone and NOT get anxious. If I start thinking, the first thing that will surface out in my head would be : what am I going to do in my life ? Am I going to succeed? What if I fail college? What's then going to happen? ... I try not to think about it but I simply can't. It's the first think I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of before going to bed.
Some people might say it's stupid or silly and I understand you : I used to say the same thing about people with psychological disorders before I started having problems. However, it's not good to do it. Everything comes back to you soon or later. I'm quickly going to explain my situation to you :
I was born outside of Canada (I currently reside in Canada) and I am caucasian. I don't want to put any valid info into this blog in case someone finds out. Not that I'm scared of other people knowing about me, I just don't want my girlfriend or friends to start worrying. So far I've been able to hide everything from them.
I was born in 1989, single child in the family. My childhood passed smoothly, I have never been abused or beaten or anything like that by my relatives. They all took good care of me. When I was a kid, everyone was moking me because of my weight. Because of this, I'm working out every day - at least now I don't worry about my look, I've built an athletic figure. Everyone used to call me the Ball or stuff like that. I wasn't fat, I was more chubby. My parents were telling me not to listen to these people because I'd get big with huge shoulders and chest. It turned out to be true. I still get many compliments about my upper body when I go to the gym.
My dad was working most of the time, he worked hard to provide what my mother wanted. She has never been happy about what my dad did for her. I don't understand her - my father was doing everything that was possible for our family. I didn't spend much time with my dad when I was a kid (even untill we came to Canada, then things changed). I spend my time mostly with my mother. I think that that is one of the causes about my anxiety problems. I have almost no self esteem. It took me several weeks to get the courage to ask my girlfriend out. I am not a ''pussy'', I just don't believe in myself.
When I was in grade 6, my whole family came to Canada. It was a lot of stress and without giving many details I should say that things got pretty bad. My father is having some health issues right now; he's been having them ever since we came to Canada. Not psychological. I don't have any psychological deseases in my family so far. It just kills me to look at my family. It's like there's no life in our place. Rare conversations, rarely people will pass by to see us. I want to escape all this but I can't.
My mother has been putting pressure on me since I can remember myself. She has always wanted me to be the best in school and I've managed to be it untill we came to America. That moment I got to know my father and got some of the pressure off me.
Still, I can't get all of these years of pressure on me out my head. Whenver I go to an exam my hands start shaking, I have trouble sleeping before a test ... sometimes I just think I'm going crazy. It's like if someone had a gun on my head and was telling me to get a kick ass grade in that course or that person would pull the trigger. I chose my own program in college but I'm still getting a lot of pressure in my head. My mother doesn't talk to me about education anymore because she can see the damages she has done, but the tension and the anxiety still rests.
I am constantly anxious. I worry about my career and the future. I'm afraid of tomorrow. I don't want to be afraid, but I am. I enjoy studying what I signed up to study in college - but I hate when the exams come. I am so nervous I sometimes feel my heart literally missing a pulse or two and then restarting to beat faster. If this keeps happening, I wouldn't give myself more than 50 years of life.
From this day forward, I'll be writing a journal right here. If anybody can see this, I hope that you will learn a lesson out my life and share it your family or future family.
Whatever my outcome, I am sure that this journal will be useful to someone somewhere.
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